Redemption Song.

Hi again.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I've been talking this same ol' bullshit for months now, but a lot has changed in my life.

Have you ever been beaten down? So low that there was no foreseeable end? Been there, lived through it. Just when you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you find out it's really just a freight train gunning right for you. I was lower than dirt, mon amies. And what pulled me through was the thought that, now, there's no where left to go but up :)

Lemon juice to lemonade. Yeah, there's that trademark optimism. There's what I'm known for.

You see, as an entertainer, a social butterfly, you're not supposed to have real problems. You're supposed to listen to everyone else's and keep the wine flowing. You're supposed to keep the jokes coming and the police at bay.

In my time of need the one that was there the most was a guy I'd met 3 weeks prior. He just wanted to hit the skins, but you can't blame him I guess. I am pretty hot, and I've never known vulnerability to turn a man off.

Box on top of box on top of box.

My life is shelved about 8 feet high by 6 feet wide in the center of my living room (well, off-center. TV's still set up) I've been living like this for over a month now, trying to figure out where I'm going to go.

My plan, dearests, simply involved the flip of a coin.
I gave a friend the chance to seal my fate: a nickel. Heads I stay stateside, tails I hightail it overseas. It was heads.

Secretly I was grateful for this; my main fear about going overseas was not being able to come back. All that aside, I've finally chosen my home. If all goes according to plan, I should be there within 7 months (provided I survive the next round of layoffs. Been cutting back where I can, but Chipotle is just too good)

What's more, I'm going back to school :)

Took damn near a decade, but I finally figured out what I want to do. Met with a counselor this afternoon to determine course requirements. I'm giving this 100% because what I'm going for will require nothing less, and as a show of dedication (to myself), after 4 years, I've closed down all of my web stores. Leftover stock in my possession is either being sold locally or given away. I have no more time for that hustle.

I have a new sense of purpose, loves. A renewed sense of being.

... and it's all falling into place. Wish me well.

M.

I am the Sea.

Finals are over. Thank G-d. I don't ask for much, just a passing grade. Skating by seems to be the way of this generation; I advise you all to grease up your wheels (or blades depending on your perspective)

I picked up my graduation application yesterday. Still running uphill. Wish me luck.

In other news, I got in a fight with my DVD player... and it won.

To my credit though, it wasn't an easy victory.

It ate a Chris Rock DVD that I was looking forward to. With so much on my plate, I've been renting comedies by the bucketload. Laughing just makes you feel so much better, doesn't it? I've made it a personal goal to laugh at least 5 minutes a day, everyday, for the past week. It's done wonders.

Blu-Ray: +1 Michelle: +0

Determined, I went in my tool bag and grabbed my screwdriver (the anarchist in me wanted to grab the hammer, but I realized that would be counterproductive) and tore  the system wide open. I'm surprised none of the cables snapped because I wasn't particularly gentle. See that gray unit on the right? Yeah, I broke that open too. After much pulling I got the disc out (albeit with a chip on the edge. Was ultimately only able to watch about 50 minutes of it. SUCK), then worked on reassembling the thing piece by piece. Miraculously, I did well. I made a unique color coding system (i.e. - using my paint tubes as totems) so I knew which screws went where, and after a few minutes the system was as good as new. 

Well, kind of.

You see everything went well, but there was one major problem once all was said and done: the disc tray wouldn't close. Apparently something got behind the door trigger while I was (wo)manhandling the thing. It was only about 2 months old anyway; most electronics have a 90 day warranty. I've already made up some bullsh*t and exchanged it. I'm back in business. A smile and little cleavage will get you out of almost anything :)

In regard to the DVD, it's not as if it were mine anyway. Quite frankly, it's the DVD's own fault for getting stuck. Let it be the next renter's problem.

Still packing and finding relics of a life long ago lived:

*An original Simon game from the late 80s (I was a pro at that game. Got it for my 2nd Xmas. Played it until at least age 8. To this day, I still believe that game is why I have pretty good memory retention)

* An Ewok plushie, original CareBear, and that cat from Strawberry Shortcake

* Optimus Prime, Hot Wheels cars, a suction cup gun, Astroboy figurine

* A Magic 8 Ball (with half the blue stuff leaked out. Wanted to chuck it at my neighbor's bratty children, but I don't think I need a criminal record)

* Inuyasha DVDs, Gremlins

* A jug of rice wine a friend brought back from China years ago (I'm afraid to open it)

Save about 5 items, all of it went to the Salvation Army. Don't know what I plan to do with the booze. I'm too malicious to simply pour it down the sink. Ideas?

I'm about to hit the streets again so I'll end it here.

D: Here's the vid from that night @ Bugsy's. Awesome show BTW. Sugar's rendition of MJ's "Human Nature"

My friends Deej (on mic) Jesse & Shawn (both on percussion), Charlotte (female lead) and some random dude on the sax.

And who was that dude Crip walking in the back?

Love it when random people go on stage.

Peace out.

<3 M

My Spine.

"All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of man, even those who hang themselves" - Blaise Pascal

Yep, the binomial coefficient guy (surely you have just as fond a memory of geometry as I do). Somehow philosophy is easier to understand from a mathematician. (***Ed. note: Now that I've actually read one of his books in its entiriety, I won't advertise it here. I was disgusted. I like the quote above though, so I'll leave it - M. 07/28/10)


Full entry to come soon.

It's finals week and I've been slammed. I'm packing, selling, shipping, giving away, painting, gluing, origami-ing... trying to make it through the day, just like you guys. Send me your well wishes and I will do the same for you :)

Bring me all of your dreams,
You dreamer,
Bring me all your
Heart melodies
That I may wrap them
In a blue cloud-cloth
Away from the too-rough fingers
Of the world.

<3 M

Kansai Airport in Osaka. On my way home...

  

Solid Gold.

Had a few revelations this week...

As far as my crafts, I've been all over the place. I have a string of pearls leading across my bedroom floor... can't figure out what to do with them.

My current project requires silk (back to the fabric store!) Picked up a roller yesterday to finish up a screen printing project... if only I could focus on just one.

I'm finding pencils and random scraps of paper all over my house with mad scrawlings done in the middle of the night.. The engine is always running, but I only have two hands.

Waiting for some items to come in the mail so I can finish my shirt project. That one seems to be the closest one to completion. Thank God.

Projects aside, I had something like a series of epiphanies this week... Who do I live for if not myself? I think I might finally be at peace with moving away from my family. I can now accept that there's nothing wrong with not wanting a conventional life and the nuclear family with white picket fences, a dog, and 2.5 children.

Otherwise, all is well. Going out sporadically, breaking hearts along the way... :)

Won't Take That Talk.

Hard partying will catch up to you... I'm sick as a dog.

Bowling, house parties (pretending to like your friend of a friend's shitty band), midnight trips to the gas station... I can't even talk. Throat feels like sandpaper, ears & nose clogged, and I'm hacking up green stuff like Linda Blair from The Exorcist.

The picture is apropos; it's exactly how I feel.

What I would give for nirvana... I have a feeling stress contributed to this. Not stress from my crafts & website, those things are joys to me. I'm talking about stress from my 9-5. I'm convinced that I work with a blood relative (pun?) of Nosferatu & someone with absolutely no brains. Favoritism occurs everywhere, but usually not so blatantly.

Still beading my top, have made a lot of progress since last week. Should be completed within 3 weeks. I'm not a fan of posting 1/2 finished works, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Been invited to a lot of ritzy zip codes lately... saw a HUGE Noh Mask in a bathroom and now I want one for myself.

I like creepy stuff :)

Inspirations this week: Breakin', Persepolis, Ikiru, & the color raspberry.

Hopefully I'll be better by next week's post.... Ciao.

Bite me.

"After a long sleep I arise again..."

I'm working on self improvement; I need to learn how to pick my battles. Not everything has to be fought tooth and nail... to the death... until nothing remains but a bad memory and dried tears.


A, you tire me.


I no longer want to scream and yell. I don't want to have another mediator at the workplace again. I don't want to carry this resentment, but talking to you is futile.


...And how exactly do I handle this?


Too much frustration to fight it out; too much pride to let it go... this is gonna be ugly, I just know it.


Just keeping my eyes on the light in my life.. going to Japan for a few weeks in the Spring. Looking forward to Hotel Chapel Christmas. Looking forward to good Udon noodles since finding them here is a crap shoot. Looking forward to seeing the torii and shrines and theatre.

All this just months away ... and I might just stay :)

Good luck finding me in Ginza..